[ It's the sort of summer night that makes Kirkwall's streets fetid and every room a little too sweaty. They're up high, though, where the sea breeze can catch their hair, and they can look for constellations in the darkness above them. ]
Matthias. [ She's been putting it off all evening - but she can't any longer. Steadily, making herself observe his face in the light of the moons - ] I want to leave the Gallows.
[The breeze is hot, when it comes from Kirkwall, and cool, when it comes from the sea. It makes for a peculiar feeling--though everything feels a little peculiar these days. Dreams have been strange for weeks, making the nights surreal and the days strangely distant.
Matthias looks over at Laura and waits just a moment. Breathes in, gets the whiff of damp stone and saltwater and that particular deep fishy smell the ocean always seems to have, the way Matthias thinks the underside of a wave must smell. So this isn't a dream.]
[ But the answer is so amorphous right now that she can't follow it up with a specific place. Away from here is no help at all. Laura shakes her head, reaching for Matthias' hand. ]
As long as I live here, part of me will still feel like I did when I first left Nevarra. I want to go someplace where people do not already know who I am. [ And this is the difficult part, the most difficult part, but it must be said. ] I know you're happy here. I won't make you leave, or ask you to - to live like I am still here.
[There's a funny buzzing feeling in Matthias' forehead, right between his eyes. It makes his whole face feel numb, and stupid. He shifts so that he can turn and look at Laura.]
[ His hands are warm and solid, and all the calluses are familiar. If she leaves them behind, him behind, she'll leave behind the part of her that knows every wrinkle of his palms.
When she'd first imagined this conversation, she'd wanted to say Come with me, but - ]
I know you are happy here. I won't ask you to give that up.
[ She looks down at their hands, her hair falling before her eyes. ]
The war is important. But I think... [ I don't want to fight in the war any longer sounds shameful. ] I think I dislike being told who to kill, even if I like the person telling me.
[Nearly everything in Matthias wants to fight this, or deny it, or prevent it in some way. Anything he might do to keep her here, with him, where he wants her to be--where he needs her to be--responses, protests, arguments, all of them crowd in to the forefront but when she says that--
When she says that, everything of that is swept away.
He understands. Even if he doesn't want to, he understands. He understand because of what he knows about Laura, because of what she's said, and not said. Because of what he's lived as well, yeah, that has a small part to play in his understanding. They were in Antiva with each other's blood on each other's hands, walking back to the house that didn't suit either of them, and he'd told her, sometimes I felt like an animal. Not just because he was small, and scared, but because of what was in him, too.
He grips hard at her hands.]
I know. [I understand.] I wish you didn't. Or I wish it wasn't-- that it wasn't like that, that we were-- [He swallows, fighting down the hot feeling that is gathering behind his eyes.] I wish I'd've met you when we were smaller. So we could have helped each other, before all of this.
[ She tips her head in until their foreheads touch, closing her eyes. If she had left earlier - if she had left Nevarra entirely - or if neither of them had ever had to be caged in the first place. Matthias has always been kind and gentle, but he's held onto those qualities despite what he survived, not because of it. They could have been something else, if the world had held that same kindness.
But it didn't then, and it doesn't now. ]
You - you will take care of Biter. [ Her throat hurts. ] And after, perhaps - or if you change your mind -
[He keeps her hand gripped in his. With his other hand he touches her cheek. Her hair has fallen forward a little. It feels smooth where it brushes against him. He won't feel that again, not for ages. Maybe not ever.]
Yeah. I will. I'll take care of her. You can write to me, if you like--you don't have to--but I'll be here. And I'll find you, when I can. I will. We'll find each other again. We managed it once.
[And then, quickly, in case he doesn't get to say it again--] I love you.
[ Letters are difficult - less because she won't want to write to him, more because of the trouble getting parchment and ensuring it survives a journey back to Kirkwall. But she will try. She's certain of that much.
She's capable, if with some disquiet, to talk about these plans. But when he tells her he loves her, Laura pulls her hand from his and flings her arms around him, squeezing tight.
I changed my mind, she wants to say. I will stay. ]
I love you. [ Her face is buried in his neck, the scent of him strong and true as a few strands of his hair brush against her cheek. This is where she wants to be, always - but sometime tonight, they'll walk sleepily down a worn stone staircase into a place she can't bring herself to stay any longer. Her mind isn't changed; it's only mourning. ] That will always be true.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-07-21 11:57 pm (UTC)Matthias. [ She's been putting it off all evening - but she can't any longer. Steadily, making herself observe his face in the light of the moons - ] I want to leave the Gallows.
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Date: 2022-07-22 12:23 am (UTC)Matthias looks over at Laura and waits just a moment. Breathes in, gets the whiff of damp stone and saltwater and that particular deep fishy smell the ocean always seems to have, the way Matthias thinks the underside of a wave must smell. So this isn't a dream.]
Oh, [he says. This isn't a dream.] And go where?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-22 01:26 am (UTC)[ But the answer is so amorphous right now that she can't follow it up with a specific place. Away from here is no help at all. Laura shakes her head, reaching for Matthias' hand. ]
As long as I live here, part of me will still feel like I did when I first left Nevarra. I want to go someplace where people do not already know who I am. [ And this is the difficult part, the most difficult part, but it must be said. ] I know you're happy here. I won't make you leave, or ask you to - to live like I am still here.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-22 02:56 am (UTC)[There's a funny buzzing feeling in Matthias' forehead, right between his eyes. It makes his whole face feel numb, and stupid. He shifts so that he can turn and look at Laura.]
Who's making you feel that way?
[--As if it's one person, someone he can blame.]
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Date: 2022-07-22 03:12 am (UTC)No one. [ The answer sounds wrong. Strange, coming out of her voice, or unconvincing - and likely to hurt him. ] Everyone is kind to me.
[ Everyone is kind to me, and I still cannot stay. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-22 10:11 pm (UTC)[Leave, but he can't say the word. Without even thinking about it, he goes to reach for her hands, to hold onto her.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-24 01:59 am (UTC)[ His hands are warm and solid, and all the calluses are familiar. If she leaves them behind, him behind, she'll leave behind the part of her that knows every wrinkle of his palms.
When she'd first imagined this conversation, she'd wanted to say Come with me, but - ]
I know you are happy here. I won't ask you to give that up.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 12:06 am (UTC)[They've talked about what they might do next, where they might go. Together. They were together, when he imagined it.]
I want to go with you. I'm happy, with you. But if I leave now, I don't-- I mean, they're fighting. The war is here. I can't--
[He cuts himself off again, unwilling to say it. Not ready to say it, maybe.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 12:16 am (UTC)[ She looks down at their hands, her hair falling before her eyes. ]
The war is important. But I think... [ I don't want to fight in the war any longer sounds shameful. ] I think I dislike being told who to kill, even if I like the person telling me.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-26 12:28 am (UTC)When she says that, everything of that is swept away.
He understands. Even if he doesn't want to, he understands. He understand because of what he knows about Laura, because of what she's said, and not said. Because of what he's lived as well, yeah, that has a small part to play in his understanding. They were in Antiva with each other's blood on each other's hands, walking back to the house that didn't suit either of them, and he'd told her, sometimes I felt like an animal. Not just because he was small, and scared, but because of what was in him, too.
He grips hard at her hands.]
I know. [I understand.] I wish you didn't. Or I wish it wasn't-- that it wasn't like that, that we were-- [He swallows, fighting down the hot feeling that is gathering behind his eyes.] I wish I'd've met you when we were smaller. So we could have helped each other, before all of this.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-26 04:09 pm (UTC)[ She tips her head in until their foreheads touch, closing her eyes. If she had left earlier - if she had left Nevarra entirely - or if neither of them had ever had to be caged in the first place. Matthias has always been kind and gentle, but he's held onto those qualities despite what he survived, not because of it. They could have been something else, if the world had held that same kindness.
But it didn't then, and it doesn't now. ]
You - you will take care of Biter. [ Her throat hurts. ] And after, perhaps - or if you change your mind -
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 12:22 am (UTC)[He keeps her hand gripped in his. With his other hand he touches her cheek. Her hair has fallen forward a little. It feels smooth where it brushes against him. He won't feel that again, not for ages. Maybe not ever.]
Yeah. I will. I'll take care of her. You can write to me, if you like--you don't have to--but I'll be here. And I'll find you, when I can. I will. We'll find each other again. We managed it once.
[And then, quickly, in case he doesn't get to say it again--] I love you.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-28 07:32 pm (UTC)[ Letters are difficult - less because she won't want to write to him, more because of the trouble getting parchment and ensuring it survives a journey back to Kirkwall. But she will try. She's certain of that much.
She's capable, if with some disquiet, to talk about these plans. But when he tells her he loves her, Laura pulls her hand from his and flings her arms around him, squeezing tight.
I changed my mind, she wants to say. I will stay. ]
I love you. [ Her face is buried in his neck, the scent of him strong and true as a few strands of his hair brush against her cheek. This is where she wants to be, always - but sometime tonight, they'll walk sleepily down a worn stone staircase into a place she can't bring herself to stay any longer. Her mind isn't changed; it's only mourning. ] That will always be true.