[ She doesn't meet his gaze, looking instead down at the pitcher, at his shoulder, at the far wall, the doors to the warehouse that they don't have a key for. ]
[ She shakes her head. Is she looking for an apology? No. The maleficar she would've wanted that from died the same night she was puppeted. ]
I just... [ A sigh forces itself out, a puff of mist into the cold air. ]
I mean I can't tell you not to do it, especially if you don't have a choice, 'cos if it's between doing that and losing someone, it's not really a choice, is it. But...I dunno. Just... keep in mind what you might be doing to someone, I guess. So you can know if it's worth it before you do it.
[ This is awful. She doesn't know how to reconcile her fear of blood magic with what he's just told her, with his willingness to do it to save her, or Laura, or Derrica. How would Derrica feel about it?
Athessa's boot heel scuffs against the dirt and rubbish on the floor as she steps back. It's a harsh sound in what her mind thinks is an otherwise deafening silence, and it grates on her ears like a knife.
They should smash more stuff. She should leave. Her feet think they should run. Another sigh. She forces her hands to unclench so she can reach up to fetch the joint from behind her ear. ]
Can you—? [ She should've brought matches, but she didn't. She holds the joint out to Matthias. ]
[He's quick to comply. Fire is almost like exhaling, natural and entirely without thought. The flame is small and familiar. The joint catches easy.]
First magic I ever did was fire. [He chances a glance at her, then at the lit end of the joint, that tiny ember.] I weren't more'n a kid. It was just before Harvestmere and we were playing, we were meant to be gathering up the leftover grains but we were down by the stables and I just, [He makes a fist, opens his fingers. Phoom.] and it went up in a blaze.
They told me magic was terrible. I never thought it was. It's always saved me.
[ Athessa takes in the smoke, lets it burn in her lungs and her throat until she has to blow it out again or else choke. She paces about, slowly, just barely giving in to the need to move without indulging in the urge to run.
The fire doesn't scare her. Magic in general never has, but being made a prisoner within her own body, able to see and feel herself doing things without control of her limbs or agency enough to fight back was something else entirely. She's known from the beginning that Matthias had the ability to burn her if he wanted. Derrica and Kostos could electrocute her without a thought. Colin could crush the life out of her. Isaac and Benedict could trap her in a waking nightmare or put her into a sleep she would never wake from. None of that has ever bothered her.
Acknowledging that she's heard what Matthias said, Athessa nods. Frowns. Takes another drag. ]
[As she paces, Matthias looks down at his hands. Dirt under his fingernails. Shinier bits of skin where old burns have been healed over. The little callouses at his fingers, under the bend of his thumbs.]
I only ever wanted to do things for the good. Save people--my friends, but other people as well. Fix things. Free mages from the Circles. But it's like you said. We've come a long way. Things have changed. I reckon--
[He cuts himself off with a scoff, and kicks the heel of his boot against the floor.]
[Breathe in, count to four. Breathe out, count to four. She hates that it's Ciara's words that come to her in these moments. Surely in the past decade she's met better people, people whose words hold more weight. Baz, or Colin, or Derrica, they've all told her the same thing. Breathe.
More smoke in, more smoke out. She half-turns back toward Matthias. ]
[He looks back at Athessa. His friend, one of the first people he really knew in Riftwatch. If he'd never come here, there's no way they would have met. He folds up his hands so he can grab hold of his sleeves, trap them against the thin bones of his wrists and hold them in place. It's an old gesture, a habit he's never gotten free of.]
I think I'm worse than I was when I first came here.
[ That only deepens the frown on Athessa's face, injecting it with a fresh dose of confusion. Matthias can't be worse, because that'd imply that he was ever bad to begin with. Right? Athessa shakes her head. ]
Worse how? [ The gentle buzz of the elfroot is settling in, slowing things down and making it easier for her to let the sudden anxiety of Matthias' confession just...dissolve. This is Matty, her friend, who would never be the same as the maleficar that controlled her. And yet.
Without even thinking to do it, she holds the joint out for him. In case he wants it. (And to prove she's not afraid.) ]
[He stares down at the floor, and shrugs at her question, a furious little lift of his shoulders.]
I don't know. I don't know, just-- worse. Like I've forgotten why I'm doing things.
[Her offer catches his eye, and he looks around at her, then carefully reaches to take the joint. He's a little better at this than the first time he'd tried it. Certainly less clumsy. Even that seems an age ago.]
I used to know things. Like--why I was doing what I was doing. I got shut in the Circle and then we were leaving the Circle 'cause they weren't right, and we were fighting the war and all, for mages, and I came to Riftwatch 'cause of Corypheus, but-- when it ends, what if I'm not on the right side anymore? What if I'm not following what I used to know?
[ She watches him while he talks; the gestures, the expression on his face that all speaks to some frenetic energy or anxiety in him. It's a small piece of what makes him Matty. And that is some small reassurance. ]
I think if you were really worse, you'd worry less about whether or not you were, [ Questioning one's own sanity is often a sign of sanity. ]
Is...D'you feel like you're doing things for the wrong reasons? Or... that we are?
[Maybe. That does make a kind of sense, when she says it. Surely people who are bastards never think about whether or not they're being a bastard, or else they'd realize that they were and stop. Right? Maybe.]
What are we doing it all for? I want to be rid of Corypheus as well. But then what? When Laura left for a bit, last year--I know she was on a mission and all but I thought then just--how it all ends. We'll finish this and win this war and then it all splits apart. There's nothing holding anyone together.
[ Yeah, that certainly seems to be the consensus. She remembers Kostos saying something of that kind, that as soon as this is all over, he'll be off to fight another war and she'll be wherever.]
I can think of a few things. [ Thing one, her left hand. Thing two, her right. ]
[He looks down at the warehouse floor again, prods at it with the toe of his boot.]
I dunno. Maybe it's stupid, worrying about it at all. 'Cause we could all die before that even happens. Anything could happen between now and--whenever that is.
Just means we gotta make whatever we do count, right? Make sure it's not for nothin'.
[ She sighs and looks down at her hands, in part to be sure they're not shaking but mostly because these are what she's using to hold her life together. ]
I think... [ A pause, to think. ] I think you're right to worry about it, but also...I dunno. I think a lot of us kinda don't put enough weight on who we are to each other. Everyone's so convinced that once the war is over, everyone'll split and go back to doing whatever's important to them, but like...the importance of a cause doesn't have to obscure the importance of people, right?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-02-25 03:40 am (UTC)When did that happen to you?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-25 04:20 am (UTC)[ She doesn't meet his gaze, looking instead down at the pitcher, at his shoulder, at the far wall, the doors to the warehouse that they don't have a key for. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-25 09:53 pm (UTC)I'm sorry.
[I wouldn't do it to you. He doesn't say it.]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-25 10:28 pm (UTC)I just... [ A sigh forces itself out, a puff of mist into the cold air. ]
I mean I can't tell you not to do it, especially if you don't have a choice, 'cos if it's between doing that and losing someone, it's not really a choice, is it. But...I dunno. Just... keep in mind what you might be doing to someone, I guess. So you can know if it's worth it before you do it.
[ This is awful. She doesn't know how to reconcile her fear of blood magic with what he's just told her, with his willingness to do it to save her, or Laura, or Derrica. How would Derrica feel about it?
Athessa's boot heel scuffs against the dirt and rubbish on the floor as she steps back. It's a harsh sound in what her mind thinks is an otherwise deafening silence, and it grates on her ears like a knife.
They should smash more stuff. She should leave. Her feet think they should run. Another sigh. She forces her hands to unclench so she can reach up to fetch the joint from behind her ear. ]
Can you—? [ She should've brought matches, but she didn't. She holds the joint out to Matthias. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-26 01:43 am (UTC)First magic I ever did was fire. [He chances a glance at her, then at the lit end of the joint, that tiny ember.] I weren't more'n a kid. It was just before Harvestmere and we were playing, we were meant to be gathering up the leftover grains but we were down by the stables and I just, [He makes a fist, opens his fingers. Phoom.] and it went up in a blaze.
They told me magic was terrible. I never thought it was. It's always saved me.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-26 02:26 am (UTC)The fire doesn't scare her. Magic in general never has, but being made a prisoner within her own body, able to see and feel herself doing things without control of her limbs or agency enough to fight back was something else entirely. She's known from the beginning that Matthias had the ability to burn her if he wanted. Derrica and Kostos could electrocute her without a thought. Colin could crush the life out of her. Isaac and Benedict could trap her in a waking nightmare or put her into a sleep she would never wake from. None of that has ever bothered her.
Acknowledging that she's heard what Matthias said, Athessa nods. Frowns. Takes another drag. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-27 06:43 am (UTC)I only ever wanted to do things for the good. Save people--my friends, but other people as well. Fix things. Free mages from the Circles. But it's like you said. We've come a long way. Things have changed. I reckon--
[He cuts himself off with a scoff, and kicks the heel of his boot against the floor.]
Sorry.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-27 06:57 am (UTC)More smoke in, more smoke out. She half-turns back toward Matthias. ]
Reckon what?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-28 10:33 pm (UTC)I think I'm worse than I was when I first came here.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-01 05:45 am (UTC)Worse how? [ The gentle buzz of the elfroot is settling in, slowing things down and making it easier for her to let the sudden anxiety of Matthias' confession just...dissolve. This is Matty, her friend, who would never be the same as the maleficar that controlled her. And yet.
Without even thinking to do it, she holds the joint out for him. In case he wants it. (And to prove she's not afraid.) ]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-03 01:01 am (UTC)I don't know. I don't know, just-- worse. Like I've forgotten why I'm doing things.
[Her offer catches his eye, and he looks around at her, then carefully reaches to take the joint. He's a little better at this than the first time he'd tried it. Certainly less clumsy. Even that seems an age ago.]
I used to know things. Like--why I was doing what I was doing. I got shut in the Circle and then we were leaving the Circle 'cause they weren't right, and we were fighting the war and all, for mages, and I came to Riftwatch 'cause of Corypheus, but-- when it ends, what if I'm not on the right side anymore? What if I'm not following what I used to know?
no subject
Date: 2021-03-04 07:47 am (UTC)I think if you were really worse, you'd worry less about whether or not you were, [ Questioning one's own sanity is often a sign of sanity. ]
Is...D'you feel like you're doing things for the wrong reasons? Or... that we are?
no subject
Date: 2021-03-07 06:30 pm (UTC)[Maybe. That does make a kind of sense, when she says it. Surely people who are bastards never think about whether or not they're being a bastard, or else they'd realize that they were and stop. Right? Maybe.]
What are we doing it all for? I want to be rid of Corypheus as well. But then what? When Laura left for a bit, last year--I know she was on a mission and all but I thought then just--how it all ends. We'll finish this and win this war and then it all splits apart. There's nothing holding anyone together.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-08 06:39 am (UTC)I can think of a few things. [ Thing one, her left hand. Thing two, her right. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-09 07:35 pm (UTC)[He looks down at the warehouse floor again, prods at it with the toe of his boot.]
I dunno. Maybe it's stupid, worrying about it at all. 'Cause we could all die before that even happens. Anything could happen between now and--whenever that is.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-09 08:45 pm (UTC)[ She sighs and looks down at her hands, in part to be sure they're not shaking but mostly because these are what she's using to hold her life together. ]
I think... [ A pause, to think. ] I think you're right to worry about it, but also...I dunno. I think a lot of us kinda don't put enough weight on who we are to each other. Everyone's so convinced that once the war is over, everyone'll split and go back to doing whatever's important to them, but like...the importance of a cause doesn't have to obscure the importance of people, right?